Count up all the people you know or know of who have found the love of their lives, or will very soon realize they have. Do not feel happy that all this love exists in the world.
Eat processed foods. Eat these foods mindlessly and quickly.
Do not talk to anyone you know. It’s better to keep these thoughts inside, away from powers of reason.
Watch reality t.v. Do not, under any circumstance, read a book.
Make a list of all your imperfections and unattractive character traits. Pick your nose and pop a zit for extra validity.
Be as sedentary as possible.
Try to fit into a mold. If you’re not sure which mold to try first, may I suggest looking around on Cosmopolitan.com?
Don’t empathize with or even learn about the conditions of other people.
Think of all the awesome parties that are happening right now that you weren’t even invited to. There’s at least 100 that you know of, I’m sure.
Feel guilty about resting.
Create a story about your future, and include at least ten cats.
Imagine how great your night would be if you had any other life than the one you’ve been given.