I’m going to be on a road trip these next couple of weeks. Nevada, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, and California; here I come!

Maybe I’ll have time to update, and maybe I won’t. I’ll have to find an internet connection somewhere. I’ll take the digi cam along and maybe I’ll be able to find time to upload pics too. I don’t know.

Hang Loose, loyal readers!

Want to have some real fun while I’m away? Go to the city pool and act like you’re drowning. See how long it takes someone to notice. The proper way to act like a spinal victim is to dive in a “No Diving Area” and float up to the suface, face down. That should cause a commotion. Another way that is less noticable is to get into water over your head, and keeping your hands at your side splash by pushing your hands down. You should be vertical in the water, and your head should be submerging once in a while. Also, keep your head tilted back, trying to breathe. Go at it, kids!

Work sucked. People are supposed to go to a lake on Memorial Day, not go to a pool. Geeze.

The chlorene levels were illegally low. We went from having lots of chlorine, to none at all, over night. All of the stores in town were either (a)out of chlorine[powder and liquid], or (b)closed because of Memorial Day.

On top of that, the pump was broken, and it was the maintenance man’s day off. My managers were running around like crazy trying to fix it, while we guards tried in vain to pacify the public.

It was about 3:00 (we normaly open at 1; some kids had been there since 12:30) and there were a good 150 people (if not more) standing in line outside. Well, they weren’t really in a line. They were pressed up against the fence screaming at us to open the gates. We did open a gate…to the concessions. A gang fight started, so a couple of guards were shoved out there to try to break it up (the rest of us were either hiding, helping with the pump, or being screamed at by the public).

3:15 comes around and police are called in for crowd controll. A mob was forming. I could have sworn they started screaming, “Get the pitchforks and the torches! We’re going to kill the lifeguards!” (by this time, there was at least 200 people there).

There is a seperate door from the outside into the guard room that is usually left unlocked. The mob figured that out, unfortunately. We didn’t have the keys to lock it because only the managers have keys, and no one dared to talk to them. Also, it can only be locked from the outside, and there was no way any of us were going out there. So we barricaded the door from the inside to keep them from coming in.

About 3:30 and the chlorine levels are finally high enough to allow people in. Have you ever been to a concert where all the people are smashed as close as possible to the stage? That’s what it looked like out there. The gates open out, and we could barely push people out of the way to open the gates far enough.

We charged 1/2 price and all of the breaking guards started wristbanding like crazy. I bet a lot of people got in free. People swarmed into the admissions area, and the police were trying to order everyone to get in a line. Tough Luck.

Being out on chair guarding was horrible. There were people as far as the eye could see, and many little kids didn’t have the correctly colored wrisbands on. That means that little kids were swimming in water too deep and I was nervous the whole time. Even my measly 15 minute break didn’t feel like a break because I was waiting for the signal to rush out and assist with a drowning victim.

That hour and a half of guarding was exhausting. Being on edge for that long is tiring.

One fun thing–we took a “Volun-teen” and duck-taped his head, then we threw him in a trash can. He totally deserved it.*

*We totally deserved a laugh…

We had a save at the pool today. It was a real victim, not a fake one. And it was the first one of the summer.

I did not make the save, but I made an assist. That means I grabbed a little kid because he couldn’t make it to the edge.

There was a fake victim in the pool today too. The fake victim did not get saved. We sprinted instead.

A freakishly tall 8th grader wouldn’t obey me. A couple more times of non-obeyment, and he’ll get kicked out of the pool. I’m waiting for that day.

I’m keeping tabs on a certain “lifeguard” that I work with. Hint: He lives really close to me. I guess in his version of baseball, you get more than 3 strikes.

1. I’m not sure that he’s actually passed the lifeguard written test. I know that he’s taken it 3 times now. I didn’t know you were allowed to take it that many times.

2. He’s killed people with spinals before. If their backs weren’t broken before, they certainly were afterwards.

3. Bad scanning. Oo, horrible scanning. Like, “let’s scan the people in the park that’s way-far-away” kind of scan.

4. They gave him the whole week off. Not because of vacation, but because they don’ t want him working.

This could be considered gossip. I could get fired. Maybe. But probably not, because they are understaffed and that’s why they even hired this guy. That’s why they haven’t already fired this guy. That’s why I’m not too afraid.

Now Playing–Stuck in America–Sugarcult

I know this feeling.

Honestly, sometimes you wonder how they’ve lived so long without accidentally walking into an airplane propeller, or sticking their tongues against a metal pole in midwinter and not figuring out any way to get loose before they freeze to death.

You know the type. Every minute of every day is a wonderful surprise to them. What’s the big orange thing in the sky? Why is my chest moving? What’s my name again?

We all have them in our lives.

Kieth Olbermann phrased it nicely. And you try not to laugh, but you just can’t help it. They just don’t get it.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9″ to
get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of
the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9
on this list.

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I found this on an old blog of mine. I totally forgot about it. You might have read it before if you are that mysterious stalker person…*looks around suspiciously*

So, what should the header look like?

Any better thoughts?

Here we go again. It starts getting hot, and now we are treated to a zillion stories in the paper and radio about how hot it is.

It’s Arizona! It’s supposed to be hot here. It happens each and every year, a couple hundred times. On Monday, I was highly educated by a radio spot in which a doctor advises to stay in the shade during hot weather, and to stay hydrated. Really? I had no idea!

And to think I’ve suffered needlessly all these years.

Gee, do they go berserk in Alaska every time it gets cold and snows? I thought the heat just makes people irritable and fussy, but in the media business it turns them into blathering morons as well.

Thank God it doesn’t rain much here, or we’d have a thousand stories on how to stay dry, too. - Mark Christoph, Apache Junction

Copied from the Arizona Republic
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You know, he’s right. They do tell us every night on the local news how to keep cool. Humans normally know how to keep cool in 110 degree weather. They find shade, go inside, fan themselves, go swimming, drink water, etc.

Pretty soon, we’re not going to pay attention to them any more. Like this one weather man. No one pays attention to him anymore, because he always ends his segment by saying, “Watch your kids around water.” I can tell you what his script will be every day this summer. He says the same stuff every time. Read this, and you won’t have to waste time watching the news:

“It’s going to be hot tomorrow! Current temperature at Sky Harbor is 110 degrees. Here’s the five-day Valleycast. Sunny on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and maybe we’ll have some clouds on Friday. Stay cool, and remember, watch your kids around water!”

And at the bottom of the Five-Day Valleycast is the saying in white letters on a red background: “Watch Your Kids Around Water.”

1. Don’t call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

2. Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don’t be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.

5. But don’t labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil

7. Don’t choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It’s just asking for trouble.

9. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not.

10. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl.

11. Don’t give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

12. Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You’ll confuse people.

Click Here or on the picture to watch a boy demonstrate how many guns a pair of pants can hold.