I’m going to be on a road trip these next couple of weeks. Nevada, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, and California; here I come!

Maybe I’ll have time to update, and maybe I won’t. I’ll have to find an internet connection somewhere. I’ll take the digi cam along and maybe I’ll be able to find time to upload pics too. I don’t know.

Hang Loose, loyal readers!

Want to have some real fun while I’m away? Go to the city pool and act like you’re drowning. See how long it takes someone to notice. The proper way to act like a spinal victim is to dive in a “No Diving Area” and float up to the suface, face down. That should cause a commotion. Another way that is less noticable is to get into water over your head, and keeping your hands at your side splash by pushing your hands down. You should be vertical in the water, and your head should be submerging once in a while. Also, keep your head tilted back, trying to breathe. Go at it, kids!

Work sucked. People are supposed to go to a lake on Memorial Day, not go to a pool. Geeze.

The chlorene levels were illegally low. We went from having lots of chlorine, to none at all, over night. All of the stores in town were either (a)out of chlorine[powder and liquid], or (b)closed because of Memorial Day.

On top of that, the pump was broken, and it was the maintenance man’s day off. My managers were running around like crazy trying to fix it, while we guards tried in vain to pacify the public.

It was about 3:00 (we normaly open at 1; some kids had been there since 12:30) and there were a good 150 people (if not more) standing in line outside. Well, they weren’t really in a line. They were pressed up against the fence screaming at us to open the gates. We did open a gate…to the concessions. A gang fight started, so a couple of guards were shoved out there to try to break it up (the rest of us were either hiding, helping with the pump, or being screamed at by the public).

3:15 comes around and police are called in for crowd controll. A mob was forming. I could have sworn they started screaming, “Get the pitchforks and the torches! We’re going to kill the lifeguards!” (by this time, there was at least 200 people there).

There is a seperate door from the outside into the guard room that is usually left unlocked. The mob figured that out, unfortunately. We didn’t have the keys to lock it because only the managers have keys, and no one dared to talk to them. Also, it can only be locked from the outside, and there was no way any of us were going out there. So we barricaded the door from the inside to keep them from coming in.

About 3:30 and the chlorine levels are finally high enough to allow people in. Have you ever been to a concert where all the people are smashed as close as possible to the stage? That’s what it looked like out there. The gates open out, and we could barely push people out of the way to open the gates far enough.

We charged 1/2 price and all of the breaking guards started wristbanding like crazy. I bet a lot of people got in free. People swarmed into the admissions area, and the police were trying to order everyone to get in a line. Tough Luck.

Being out on chair guarding was horrible. There were people as far as the eye could see, and many little kids didn’t have the correctly colored wrisbands on. That means that little kids were swimming in water too deep and I was nervous the whole time. Even my measly 15 minute break didn’t feel like a break because I was waiting for the signal to rush out and assist with a drowning victim.

That hour and a half of guarding was exhausting. Being on edge for that long is tiring.

One fun thing–we took a “Volun-teen” and duck-taped his head, then we threw him in a trash can. He totally deserved it.*

*We totally deserved a laugh…

We had a save at the pool today. It was a real victim, not a fake one. And it was the first one of the summer.

I did not make the save, but I made an assist. That means I grabbed a little kid because he couldn’t make it to the edge.

There was a fake victim in the pool today too. The fake victim did not get saved. We sprinted instead.

A freakishly tall 8th grader wouldn’t obey me. A couple more times of non-obeyment, and he’ll get kicked out of the pool. I’m waiting for that day.

I’m keeping tabs on a certain “lifeguard” that I work with. Hint: He lives really close to me. I guess in his version of baseball, you get more than 3 strikes.

1. I’m not sure that he’s actually passed the lifeguard written test. I know that he’s taken it 3 times now. I didn’t know you were allowed to take it that many times.

2. He’s killed people with spinals before. If their backs weren’t broken before, they certainly were afterwards.

3. Bad scanning. Oo, horrible scanning. Like, “let’s scan the people in the park that’s way-far-away” kind of scan.

4. They gave him the whole week off. Not because of vacation, but because they don’ t want him working.

This could be considered gossip. I could get fired. Maybe. But probably not, because they are understaffed and that’s why they even hired this guy. That’s why they haven’t already fired this guy. That’s why I’m not too afraid.

Now Playing–Stuck in America–Sugarcult

I know this feeling.

Honestly, sometimes you wonder how they’ve lived so long without accidentally walking into an airplane propeller, or sticking their tongues against a metal pole in midwinter and not figuring out any way to get loose before they freeze to death.

You know the type. Every minute of every day is a wonderful surprise to them. What’s the big orange thing in the sky? Why is my chest moving? What’s my name again?

We all have them in our lives.

Kieth Olbermann phrased it nicely. And you try not to laugh, but you just can’t help it. They just don’t get it.