I’ m going to try my hardest to provide you with the story of a girl who is one of those girls that make you laugh, but that’s because they’re so dang annoying. And full of bragging rights. I wouldn’t brag about those things, but hey. So her stories aren’t as funny they would be if you knew her, but they will still make you wonder, and I bet you know one of those people in your life.
Fear of the Diving Boards
Erica was a diver on the highschool dive team. She’s a freshman, which in itself is bad news. So one day, she approaches the part of the pool where us hard working swimmers swim. See, you must understand that divers are hated by swimmers because they are counted as part of us, and yet they don’t know how to swim, they eat all of our ice, get us in trouble, and while we slave away under the rath of Minck they jump off the diving boards a couple times and sit down. Back to the story. So she walked over to us swimmers, and between gasps for air we’re like, “What the heck are you doing over here, Erica?”
Her reply, “I’m joining the swim team.”
We pass around THE look. “You got kicked off the dive team for what reason?”
“Well, I couldn’t learn my six dives after eight weeks, so I’m a swimmer now.”
“Ah.” [At this point would the reader kindly be informed that all swimmers can be divers, but the reverse is not true.] “Now why is that? We can all do dives, and we don’t practice everyday.”
“Would you guys just shut up? It’s not my fault that I have a fear of diving boards!”
“You’re a diver. How can you be afraid of diving boards?”
“When I was four I had to go off the diving boards and I hit my head and I was in the hospital for three days.”
“Ok, whatever you say, Erica. But this is the fast swimmer’s lane, and you need to move down like eight lanes. Bye.”
We gave up, there was no use arguing. A bunch of us swimmers are lifeguards. A kid who went off the board and hit her head and had to be in the hospital for three days would have been classified of a spinal injury. There have been two known spinal injuries at the pool in the whole existence of this town. The last one was 15 years ago, and a 12 year old boy fell backwards off the ladder on the high-dive (which was removed after the accident). Erica has lived in this town her whole life.
The Joys of Being Single
Erica was a volun-teen at the pool where I worked this summer. She was supposed to help out the guards. She did, a little bit, but a lot of the time was spent with her numerous, infintite amount of boyfriends. We would see her with a new guy every three (or less) days. So one day she annonced, “I’m sick of guys. They use me, and they don’t stick around. I’m single, and I’m happy!” She looked happy. Everyone stared at her for all of 3 seconds. Then we returned to whatever we had been doing (which was probably playing basketball with the trashcans). Two hours later I saw her holding hands with some guy. I pointed at him and asked, “Who’s this?”
“Oh, Alisa, meet my new boyfriend, [insert name here]! He’s fabulous, and handsome.”
“What happened to being happy and single?”
“I got tired of it. And I met him.”
“Ah, well I wish the best of luck to the both of you.”
The next she stomps into the guard room. She loudly proclaimed, “Nobody talk to me, I’m depressed!” I’m a nice person so I asked her what was wrong. “My boyfriend broke up with me last night. I can’t believe him!”
Engagement–Taking it to the Next Level
Today we were all talking about a party that is going to be in a few days. Erica asked the hostess, “Is it alright if I bring my fiance?” We gave each other THE look. The hostess is a rather blunt person.
“Whatever Erica, you’re not engaged.”
“Me and my fiance take offense to that statement.”
“You’re not engaged.”
“I am too, look!” She held out her left hand. There was indeed a ring on her finger.
“Ok, fine. You may bring your fiance.”
The hostess smirked, “He won’t be around by that day, anyways.” A boy added, “It looks like a ring from one of those quarter machines.”
I suppose the swim team is kind of mean to her. I try to be nice; I’ve let her borrow my suit before, only to find that she forgot it in the locker room. But she has issues. Those kind of people you need to take as a whole, and realize that they have issues. Vampires have issues too.
To leave you with a sweet note, I hope to start passing out mp3’s like candy. Get it? mp3’s, candy, sweet note? *ba da, bump* Enough with the puns, and on with the music.
Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
