Pessimist in her natural state
Today on campus I was approached by a girl taking surveys because today is National Depression Awareness Day (or something).
“Want to take this short survey? It’s for statistical purposes only, and you’ll get a free Eegees when you turn it in!”
Eegees is similar to a slushy mixed with sorbet. The high today was 94F (that would be 34C).
“Sure. I’ll take a free Eegees.”
So I took the survey. It was asking questions like, “Have you felt tired or sluggish in the last week?” and “Do you ever have nightmeres?” or even “Have you been eating healthful foods lately?”
Then I turned the survey in and asked for some strawberry Eegees.
“You’re borderline depressed. Would you like to talk about it?”
“I’m not depressed. I’ve never been happier.”
“Your answers indicate that you are depressed.”
“I’m not. I swear.”
“A lot of suicides happen because people do not get an outlet to talk about their depression.”
“Look. Just because a girl hung herself in her dorm earlier this year does not mean that I am depressed. Can I have a strawberry Eegees?”
“Have you ever been diagnosed as being bi-polar?”
“No. I’m not depressed and I’m not bi-polar.”
“You answered yes to the question, ‘Have you ever been hyper?’ and your answers indicate that you are borderline depressed.”
“Have you ever had a venti caramel machiatto from Starbucks? I’m pretty sure they put like three espresso shots in that. Also, I’m not depressed.”
“You seem hostile. That’s a sign of depression.”
“Can I have a strawberry Eegees?”
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what is a strawberry Eegees?
btw i found ur blog via 9R
A strawberry Eegees is an ice drink with strawberry chunks in it. It kind of tastes like an icee or a snow cone mixed with sorbet ice cream. There are other flavors too… piña colada and lemon. Piña colada is the best, but that one wasn’t being offered.
Being diagnosed as bi-polar is becoming as common as ADD. You are more special than that. Next time go for Obsessive-Compulsive or something with a little more zip to it.
Almost sounds like a Scientologist recruitment campaign.
Honestly, I despise when people try to analyze you based on a short questionnaire like this. Phrase a question the right way and suddenly a normal person becomes a deranged, murdering, drug pushing, kleptomaniac monster.
I LOL’d.
[...] Alisa wrote a fantastic post today on “Pessimist in her natural state; Here’s ONLY a quick extract, “Have you ever had a venti caramel machiatto from Starbucks? I’m pretty sure they put like three espresso shots in that. Also, I’m not depressed. You seem hostile. That’s a sign of depression. Can I have a strawberry Eegees? [...]
Shealy: I think that OCD is a pretty useful disorder. I might have a mild case of it. Like, I’m not a freak about being super clean (you should see my apartment) but I do obsess if a picture isn’t exactly straight on the wall.
Gnorb: haha, a scientologist recruitment campaign… I think that pessimists always appear to be borderline depressed because well, we’re pessimists. It’s our job to have a cloudy outlook on life. And you’re right––the survey was like 20 questions. Two words: lame oh.
So…did they give you the freakin’ Eegees or not?
Also, I am pretty sure that as a college freshman I was tired or sluggish on more than one occasion. Staying up late studying or going to movies when I should have been studying? Based on that survey, I was clinically depressed all through grad school. :)
How moronic.
Melinda: Yeah, I got an Eegees. I’m not sure if it was worth it or not.
RW: Agreed.