Grill, the popular place to hang out at 0200.

The only thing more embarrassing than seeing someone you know in the grocery store while wearing sweatpants and buying 5-gallon vats of ice cream is seeing someone you know in the shrink’s office.

As soon as I sat down and opened up a newspaper, out of the office came Leno. I slouched in my chair and held my newspaper higher. Leno is one of those people who, when given a soap box to stand on, will stand on that box for hours. Every time I talk to him, I try to think of something to say that is so absolutely absurd that it throws him off-track. Phrases that have worked so far include: “The fungus on my foot is literally rainbow colored,” “One of my best friends is a serial unicorn rapist,” and “The leftover spaghetti that I had for lunch was magical — the sauce was red last month, but this month it’s green (red’s complimentary color).”

I was slouching under my newspaper when Leno spotted me. “Hey! Alisa! You’re in here seeking mental health counseling as well?”

“Yep. I’m a crazy too! Who knew that we would have something in common?”

“I’m not crazy. I’m just mentally unstable.”

“You know, I was having a conversation with my pet praying mantis the other day, and he told me that crickets taste great. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t understand how he would think that tastes good. I think grasshoppers are tasty, but I don’t understand the cricket fetish.”

“Uhhmmmm.”

Success!

Actually, I was seeing the shrink because I’ve been really depressed lately. We talked through some things, and decided it’s a combination of too heavy of a work load, my perfectionist tendencies, and culture shock. Here’s a quick summary:

Problem: Working 50-60 hours a week at the Daily Wildcat on top of being a full time student.
Solution: Stepping down from my position as managing editor to being a page designer, online assistant, and occasional photographer, and dropping one of my classes. I’m now working 20-30 hours a week and taking nine credits.

Problem: Seeing everything I do as a failure.
Solution: Finding at least one thing that I’m genuinely happy with in every project that I do.

Problem: Culture shock. This one is a little weird because I never really left the country, but this summer I lived in a very tight-knit community that was very opposite of the real world. Culture shock snuck up on me because I really didn’t expect it to happen.
Solution: I’m still trying to come up with a solution for this one. I’m really unsure of what to do, and no one really has a tangible answer for me.

My shrink also gave me a flow chart that shows different stages of depression and physical steps to take to get back on track. He was very helpful, and I’m going back for a follow-up visit in a couple weeks.

See also: 2008 presidential candidates positions on issues involving mental health

School is back in session. You can tell by these conveniently placed products at a local CVS Pharmacy:

Today my roommate and I decided to try a church that meets in a movie theatre on Sunday mornings. We arrived, I parked the car. As soon as I stepped out, a man in the car next to me opened his door and asked if I wanted to buy perfume.

Him: Would you like to buy some perfume?
Me: (thinking: What is this? A Mexican border town?) No, thanks.
Him: Really? It’s a good price! You sure you don’t want perfume?

My roommate stepped out of the car.

Him: Hey, how about you? Would you like— no, no you wouldn’t. Okay. Have a nice day.

We turned and went into the theatre.
Me: I wonder if he thinks I use coke. Do I look like a coke user to you?
Her: You look like an art student.
Me: Well, you could be a meth head.
Her: He was selling “perfume”, and isn’t that stuff written on your class supply lists?
Me: Whatever. I’m pretty sure the bookstore stocks adderall for the rest of the university.

It was pretty funny that he knew right off the bat that my roommie wasn’t going to buy anything. Also, I do believe the ONDCP needs to update their list of street terms.